The Quest of the Moonshadow Walker.

Melancholic: (adj.) 1: of, relating to, or subject to melancholy: DEPRESSED 2: of or relating to melancholia 3: tending to depress the spirits: SADDENING.

My discipler Ate Jone once told me, while we were sitting and waiting for the others outside the Vinzon’s Hall Canteen, that I am melancholic.

Ate Jone: Alam mo, Astrid. Melancholic ka e...                                                                           

These were the very words that she had told me. I asked her what made her think that I am such (though surprisingly, I took it as a complement.)

Ate Jone: Oh no, don’t interpret it in a negative way because that’s not what I meant when I said that…It’s just that…okay, let’s put it this way: You are an artist, you see the world differently…you see details (that average people won’t bother to look, thus they don’t see) that will later lead you to ask questions…

In short as another authority (in this case my professor Ma’am Almond Aguila) said to me in our Ethics class (Comm 191):

Ma’am Almond: You know what, Astrid? You are an artist. You will make a good artsist, believe me. You have angst. You continue that…

So anyways, am I melancholic or not? In my opinion, that depends on my definition of the word "melancholic". Haha!

Wait! On the second thought, I accept either way–dictionary’s definition or mine. (Hah…the pain of choosing!)

Here's what my Great Lover, the Lover of my Soul, has to say to me...

While I was eating my breakfast this morning, I heard this song by Coldplay...

FIX YOU

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you. 

Sige lang Lord...fix me...I need You. Only You can fill me, only You can satisfy me, 
only You can mend me, only You can make me whole again. 
Yours is restoration. 
Yours is transformation.
You know me more than I know myself because You are the One who made me.
You know my every thought and my every need more than I do. 
Only you can fix me.
I praise You Lord for this brokenness. 
 

I just remembered that I was listening to Michael Buble’s song Home the night Bernard died. And since then, the song reminded me of him. It seemed like he was talking to me that night through that song:

>Let me go home

Im just too far from where you are

I wanna come home…

>And I know just why you could not

Come along with me…

>Let me go home

I’ve had my run

Baby [Asta], I’m done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all be alright

I’ll be home tonight

I’m coming back home…

Go Bernard…go home…Im setting you free.

You have a place here in my heart…like the others who have gone before you.

Enjoy your new life there. Soon I’ll be there. I will soon come home…Muah! (Hug)

Three days have gone yet ganito pa rin ako Bernard…

Akala ko, mababawasan e…pinipilit ko i-convince sarili ko na tanggap ko at kaya ko na…pero ayaw ko talaga lokohin sarili ko. Hanggang ngayon I am still letting the pain of losing you linger.Why? Kasi I’m embalming you dito sa buhay ko…tulad ng nagdaan na iba pa…pero mas masakit at mahirap kasi yung naging sitwasyon ko sa ‘yo…I saw your suffering, though your eyes were calm giving me "Im alright" glances, I saw it…your love and concern for me..you never want to see me sad, especially kung ikaw ang cause…but heck! I want to. I need to.

Masakit na makita ka na naghihirap, mas masakit ang makita ka na bitiwan mo ang huling hininga mo, Bernard! Nakita kita…I was calling your name, unable to touch you coz you were convulsing…and it was hard for me. Hanggang sa huling sandali, gusto kita makita kaya mga 12mn na hindi pa ako tulog at sinabi ko na bababa ako ng 3am. Pero narinig ko ang pagtawag mo…puso sa puso Bernard…hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong bumaba ng mga 1:15am…YUN PALA YON…our hearts were speaking to each other. You wanted me there as much as I wanted to be there with you no matter how hurtful it woul be for the both of us. Remember: One in joy, one in pain.

Hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin ako: naliligo man (making myself believe na hindi ako umiiyak at tubig lang yon…pero who am I fooling?), nagwawalis, bago matulog, habang kumakain (wala pa akong gana kumain dahil naaalala ko na ipaghahanda pa kita ng food mo…tapos naghihintay ka dun sa terrace eagerly and patiently…), pag walang ginagawa…kaya mataas na naman ang kuryente dito sa bahay dahil kailangan kong malibang…sumasakit lang lalamunan ko pag pinipigilan ko iyak ko e.

Naalala ko pa yung effort mo na bumangon at lumakad palabas at doon humiga sa may labas ng gate…pinuntahan kita at nakita ko you were staring at the night sky, daming stars noh? You were praying to God, you were asking Him na maging star ka para mabantayan mo pa rin kami…ako…Then you looked up at me, I carried you, prepared you to bed, tucked you in and stayed there with you…

Yep nandun din si Papa, lumabas siya, and I know that he also cried…binigyan ka pa niya ng added blanket…

I miss you everyday, we miss you, yung pag-ihi mo pagdating ng car ni Papa, yung pag-ihi mo pag may dumadating sa amin galing sa kung saan man…yung excitement mo…pag nakikita mo kami. Mahilig ka sa laro at landian din e…yung favorite mong bean sprout at ampalaya, ikaw na ang nakakaubos ng tinapay natin…

Naglalaro ka siguro diyan ngayon, kasama mo na ba sina Othello, Hilario, Homer, Peanut, Odie, Tango, Boogie and Muning at Mawie? Huwag mo ko alalahanin pag naririnig mo ko umiiyak dyan ha…laro ka lang, sabi ko kay Lord alagaan ka Niya. Ikaw pasayahin mo diyan si Lord ha!

Pag umaga laro ka lang diyan…nakikita ko ang pagsasaya mo at ng iba pa sa ulap…at sa gabi naman, alam ko na kasama mo sila sa langit na kumikinang din…

Sorry sa lahat ng lungkot ha…Salamat sa ligaya…

Mahal ko kayo.

Mahal kita.

My Bernard.

My best buddy.

My dog.

My baby.

P.S. I made two paintings dedicated just for you. Hintayin mo ko dyan ha. Magkikita din tayo. Hanggang sa muli…kaibigan.